1, 2, 3 (2018)
Soprano and Violin Scordatura
Duration: 11.5’
Premiere by Amber Evans (soprano) and Lena Vidulich (Violin) at St. Johns in the Village, April 22, 2019
Performed by Monica Grace Music (soprano) and Jacob Schafer (violin) at Duncan Recital Hall, October 17, 2019.
Program note
1, 2, 3 is based on an anonymous submission to my high school’s literary publication, “LitMag,” from 2014. Around a year and a half ago, I stumbled upon an old, tattered copy the LitMag while visiting home for the winter. Upon rediscovering these writings, I was most drawn to their rough, unpolished, unfinished qualities. In particular, a piece of prose titled “1, 2, 3” stood out to me. In a more-or-less stream of consciousness, the author articulates some experiences that are universally relatable (i.e. the loss of a loved one) and others that are more personal in nature. A heavy theme within the text is the role of mental illness, namely depression, in shaping our thoughts patterns and behaviors. As the text progresses, the tone grows increasingly dark and grim as the author confronts feelings of despair, hopelessness, and defeat. In an unexpected turn towards the end of the piece, the mood appears to lighten suddenly as the author feels a newly discovered sense of liberation.
Text: Excerpts from “1, 2, 3” (Anonymous), 2014
I can’t sleep
my body is frozen
my heart is burning
through my chest
my mind is speeding
i can’t sleep
my body is frozen
my mind is speeding
i cannot think
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting
I cannot think
I cannot rest
I cannot even breathe
I cannot rest
all i know
all i feel
all i am
I cannot breathe
I cannot think
I cannot breathe
I can’t sleep
I am waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting
all i know all i am all i feel is
i’m waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting
my heart is speeding my mind is speeding my
heart is burning
i hate these feelings
my mind is speeding into an abyss
i feel as if i have no choice
yet i can do nothing but hold my tongue
and i pine and burn restlessly
my body is so light
i am the bird
i spread my wings
my scars will fade
i let go
i am the wind
i am free